I have a friend. Her name is Sarah. She currently is studying veterinary medicine, which judging by her Facebook posts involves lots of multi-syllabic concepts, tedious classwork, and stints in frigid barn with one's hand up to the shoulder in a large animal's nether region. Sarah also is a comedian. I suppose she skimmed my last update because I received a lengthy email from her, choice selections of which is listed below. Because I have a highly refined, self-protective defense mechanism, I choose to read her advice as excerpts from a comedy sketch rather than actual, practical instrutions. Think "Monty Python as you read this."
Sarah wrote the following (hilarious bits highlighted by me - I wrote the snarky rejoinders in brackets as well):
"i think the best recommendation for you is around page 13 in chickens- carbon monoxide poisoning. if you have a fish tank with a lid that you can seal well and tape up the edges and a vaccuum style hose, you could connect your car's exhaust pipe via a long hose to the fish tank containing the chicken. [I can just picture this scene, with me screaming instructions to my husband in the car, the sick chicken in a FISH TANK, and my animal-loving daughter weeping profusely and yelling "I hate you! I hate you both!" in the background.] it seems pretty quick, and it's a "good death"- just inducing sleep, drowsiness, and eventual brain death. you just need probably 4 to 6 feet of hose to ensure the exhaust has enough time to cool before reaching the bird. [Or else flaming chicken?!] if you do put them down this way, you need to ensure death, usually by stabbing into the thorax to hit the heart or lungs, or if you can chop off the head after the animal is completely still and practically dead, that would be the best way. [Sarah knows how squeamish I am...plus didn't she read the blog?! I'm such a wimp I can't even look in a stern way at my chickens. Can you picture me STABBING my carbon monoxide-steaming chicken in the THORAX?! I'm peeing my pants right now imagining it.] a second kill method is necessary because the carbon monoxide will depress the breathing rate and heart rate so much that you will probably think they're dead when they are not, and you will be very distressed when they wake up again in a couple minutes. and i have seen rats wake up in a trash bag and it was very disturbing. [Hahahahahahaha!!!! Seriously, I'm really hoping you're still in the Monty Python state of mind. This is so friggin' genius.] i think they also recommend prefilling the chamber with before you put the bird in [Okay, and who is going to raise my children when I commit suicide by mistake while doing this? You bet Sarah isn't going to even volunteer to babysit!] to cut down on the convulsions as it transitions into death. [O. M. G. ROTFLMA)] (this is a normal bodily response as the brain loses control over the nervous system, but it can be very difficult to watch, so we try to cut down on it)."
I swear, I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard. Thank you, Sarah. You are friggin' hilarious. If you, dear reader, are not laughing then you can turn away from your computer with some significant sense of psychological well-being. Clearly you are not as disturbed and warped as I. (And thus I salute you.)