Facebook Rehab 2: Day One of the Rest of My Life
By “Samantha Greene”
Warning: The following is a diary of one woman’s Facebook withdrawal program. Because of the intense nature of this endeavor, material in here will not be suitable for young readers and those with delicate sensibilities. Reader discretion is advised.
Ok, I spent 17 minutes on FFB (Fuckin’ Facebook) today, which is barely enough time to do anything, but it was great. I didn’t even post once! (Pretty much only because I couldn’t think of anything suitably witty and smart to represent my entire day. But still, it counts.) And I only responded to one person’s post, and even then my response was uninspired and banal enough to fend off any potential banter or repartee.
Full confession: I did allow myself to read the emails of postings and Inbox messages sent to my Gmail account. Is that cheating or deal-making? I’m going to go with “no” on that one. After all, email is fair game.
Is that like saying I can drink beer but no alcohol?
One day at a time, bee-atch.
Later that night…
The whole house is quiet, tucked away in their bedrooms. The dog is snoring. And I got da itchy fingers and I got dem bad. See? I’m even slipping into Buckwheat in a racist attempt to divert your attention from my jones for the FB.
I wonder who is online right now. I wonder if someone wants to Chat with me. Sometimes my sound alert doesn’t work on the Chat, so maybe someone is on there right now saying “You there? I see you online. Where are you? Why aren’t you answering me? Are you mad at me, Samantha? How dare you! I hate you, and I’m de-Friending you right this second if you don’t answer me. Ok. Here I go. Bam. You’re de-Friended. How you like them apples?”
Crap. Now I just lost an imaginary Friend thanks to you and your stupid-assed, holier-than-thou idea to get control of my FFB usage. Yes, I’m blaming it on you, you skank. Why? Because of all the virtual sneers you’ve been making at your computers. You think I can’t sense that? There you are on your social networking throne, sooooo judgmental about my FFB posts. So what if I post a lot? You should talk, you non-poster you. Judge. Judge. Judge. You think you’re so blameless, you judgy Judge Judy? Well, if it weren’t for you being so in control of your FFB time, then I wouldn’t look so empty and pitiful in contrast. Oh, and you non-FB users think you’re so much better than me? Well, let me tell you something. You can’t handle the truth. Guantanamo, my ass. Try getting out of Facebook!
I believe you’ve just witnessed the anger phase. Sorry you had to see that.
And sorry for calling you a skank.
Stay tuned tomorrow for Day Two in Samantha Greene’s Facebook withdrawal program! Same time! Same channel!
To read other humorous essays, go to
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